I have the slight misfortune of retaining friends that are also friends with an ex-boyfriend. I also have the slight misfortune to have a semi-pleasant disposition that allows me to remain friends with the same ex-boyfriend. I know he has dated other girls since we split, and that's fine. I don't care that he does this, but that doesn't mean I necessarily want to hang out with him and his new girlfriend. It especially doesn't mean that I want to witness them making out.
However, life can be cruel to me. Earlier this month, I went to our mutual friends' house for a get together. The ex was there and so was his latest girlfriend. After an unneccessary awkward silence, he introduces me to her. She was perfectly pleasant (though rather trashy looking) and I felt at ease. Shortly after I say my hellos to the group, he leans over and kisses her. Ok, you're dating, you kiss, I get it. But this was not a "glad you're here with me" peck on the lips. This was an "if this table wasn't in the way I'd mount you" kind of kiss. Or maybe it is better described as a "let me stir your stomach contents with my tongue" kind of kiss.
I couldn't believe that people in their mid thirties were still into acting like sex deprived 16 year olds. Apparently the four other people at the table couldn't either, because we all looked away and everyone started talking at once. During the next half an hour of awkward eye avoidance, a Tool song came up on the playlist. I mentioned that I despised Tool, and the girlfriend immediately jumped to the defense of the mono-syllabic musical disaster. Judging by the tacky and unoriginal half sleeve tattoos on each arm and the "I'm a brat" t-shirt, I quickly surmised that she was not only a Tool fan, but a tool herself.
After learning our musical tastes were as different as our number of baby daddies, I may have subtlely egged on the situation. 'N Sync traveled up through the playlist and my friend and I sang along. I gushed, "I LOVE N SYNC!" and watched ToolGirl shudder. Yes TG, I can make you as uncomfortable as your tongue wrestling made me.
Finally we adjourned to the living room to play some guitar hero. Well I'm the lucky bastard, because they decided to sit by me on the couch and make out some more. At this point, I'm thinking that maybe I'm the only one bothered by it. I would have said something earlier, but being an ex, it might be interpreted as anything but disgust. Fortunately, around this time, my pal turns to them and loudly yells for them to quit making out because it is annoying everyone there. Well, since someone else initiated this conversation, I had to add "Oooohhhh, the maker outers got in trouble for being disgusting..." Oh yeah, I even said it in that sing-song voice you used to annoy your siblings when you were a child.
Well now kids, that isn't the end of this story.
My pal and I reminisced about that fateful evening recently. I discovered, with child-like glee, that TG gets even better. Before my arrival, the party occupants were served hamburgers by their dear hosts. Most everyone loaded up their plate, and the host reminded ToolGirl to get a burger before they're gone. But she refused, saying she wanted to be sure the men all got enough food before she would eat. HELLO???
So now, with a New Year's Eve party approaching, I find I am able to enjoy another fine evening with the ex and TG. But instead of watching them water their herpes farm and letting it annoy me, we're playing a maker outer drinking game! When they have a prolonged kiss, we take a drink. We she defers to men for any reason, we take a shot. When they do a secret lovers whisper, we have to belt out a theme song from any show. The goal of my evening will obviously be to get drunk and start a singing trend. Stay tuned for the aftermath blog!!
